What if fear was meant to be felt?

Welcome to Stretch—I’m Charlotte, a Breath Science and Body-Oriented Coach. My mission is to live my life to the fullest potential of my brain and body, and to inspire you do the same!

“Why am I so nervous? I’ve just done a workshop in front of 20 people. I know I can handle a call with 3 people.”

Despite my well-meaning self-talk, my chest felt tight. My mind kept going to the meeting later that afternoon. I felt uneasy, queasy, almost panicky.

This time though, instead of feeling overwhelmed by the fear, I was genuinely fascinated. How I could feel this nervous, when rationally, I knew the call would be totally fine?

I’ve been looking closely at my relationship with fear over the last couple of months.

I always do an end-of-year review, going through my journals, writing down what went well/what didn’t go well. It stood out to me how fear was showing up in all kinds of ways, big and small. For almost everything I struggled with, when I dug a little deeper, the underlying emotion was fear.

• Fear of not doing what I promised myself I’d do

• Fear of being delusional with my coaching business

• Fear of not being close enough to the people around me

• Fear of not having enough time

As I always do when I want to explore something about myself, I read. One of the books I picked up is The Art of Fear by Kristen Ulmer, a former professional extreme skier and now a fear/anxiety expert.

Her core message struck a chord with me:

Fear is with us on a cellular level, arising from the oldest and most powerful parts of our brain. It’s a huge and inevitable state of being, with us every step of the way, from birth to death.

Fear is at the core essence of how we are wired. 

It’s not meant to be outsmarted, overcome or reasoned away. 

Fear is meant to be felt.

First: Diffusion, to observe the fear

Last year, I did a series of brainspotting/IFS therapy sessions with a psychotherapist. She taught me the incredible technique of Diffusion:

Whenever you feel a strong, uncomfortable emotion, take a piece of paper and write:

• “I’m noticing there’s something in me that’s scared of…”

• “I’m noticing there’s a part of me that’s fearful of…”

Brain dump whatever comes up. You can replace "scared of" or "fearful" with any other emotion like "worried", "frustrated", "annoyed." The point is that you write it down in the format of "I am noticing [there's something in me] or [there's a part of me that] x y z…"

Here’s why that format is so powerful:

• You understand that the fear is not all of you. There’s a part of you that’s fearful.

• You take some distance from the fear. It doesn’t need to overwhelm you. You can observe it. You can sit with it.

• You remove all judgment or anger towards the fear. You’re simply being curious and writing down what you notice.

This observing and noticing through writing in and of itself is powerful. But then I combine it with breathing exercises.

P.S. I experienced incredible shifts thanks to my sessions with Ania. If you’re looking for a brain-informed psychotherapist, I highly recommend her. She’s based in the UK but all our sessions were online.

Then: Breathing, to feel and accept the fear

A lot of breathwork techniques focus on this idea of breathing in the fears, and breathing out peace and relaxation. There’s the assumption that fear is bad, and calm is good.

Kirsten’s philosophy is that we should stop trying to “breathe away fear.” She says fear is just as valuable as calm, and a completely natural part of how we are wired.

Again: fear is meant to be felt.

And so, we can use our breath to move towards it. To learn from it.

Here’s what you do:

• Pick one specific fear

• On the inhale, connect to the fear. Feel into the sensations and the emotions that come up for you around that fear. Don’t resist. Allow yourself to fully drop into what comes up.

• On the exhale, release the hope of ever getting rid of the fear. Welcome it into your life. Relax into the sensations and emotions.

• Do that for 30 seconds to 5 minutes, until you can feel the tension loosening.

Some examples:

• "I'm breathing in my fear of being stuck in the same unfulfilling job ten years from now, and breathing out the hope of ever getting rid of that fear."

• “I’m breathing in my headaches and my fear of them getting worse, and breathing out the hope of ever getting rid of that fear.”

• "I'm breathing in my fear of disappointing my parents, of never living up to their expectations, and breathing out the hope of ever getting rid of that fear."

• "I'm breathing in my fear that I'm falling behind while everyone else seems to have their life figured out, and breathing out the hope of ever getting rid of that fear."

Hah sorry, I went quite deep with those, didn’t I… But anyway, you get the gist.

I’ve been doing this “observe-feel-accept” process for a couple of months now and honestly, the shift is palpable. It’s true: when you sit with the fear, it simply loosens its grip over time.

We try so hard to get away from fear. We create routine, structure, familiarity. We control, analyze, and rationalize. We ignore or even shame ourselves for feeling fear.

But all that really does is make the fear feel overwhelming. It keeps us stuck. It keeps our mind and bodies tense.

So while it’s uncomfortable to do this observing and feeling process, it’s the only way to truly move forward and to benefit from the wisdom and aliveness that comes from fear.

🫁 A Group Resonance Breathing Program

Having a consistent resonance breathing practice was a game-changer for me, but finding the right approach took time.

I fell in love with Dr. Leah Lagos's book 'Heart Breath Mind' and started recommending it to anyone who says they want to build a breathwork practice. Here's what I kept hearing back:

• "This is amazing! My life is totally different now!"

• "I love it and felt the difference... but I couldn't stick with it past two weeks."

This program is for that second group.

I've created a 10-week group journey that builds on Dr. Lagos's work, weaving in insights from neuropsychologist Rick Hanson and Professor Alan Fogel—all techniques that made huge shifts in my own practice.

Resonance breathing is one of the best researched breathing techniques, showing improvements in heart rate variability, stress resilience, brain function and cardiovascular health. It’s a simple technique where you slow down your breathing to a rate of 3-7 breaths per minute. The key is finding your sweet spot, and mastering the basics of optimal breathing (nasal, gentle, slow and expansive)—and I'll help you with both of these in the program.

Here’s how it works:

• You commit to 20 minutes of resonance breathing per day, for 10 weeks. 10 minutes in the morning + 10 minutes in the evening.

• The foundational exercise is the daily resonance breathing. However, every week will have a different theme, where we integrate somatic awareness and stress management techniques. (E.g. one week will focus on processing fears, just as I described in this newsletter. Another week is about preparing for a challenge.)

• Every Friday, you receive a short email outlining the theme of the following week.

• Every Monday, you can join a live group call where we practice together and share experiences (don't worry if you can't make, you can catch up on the recording or just use the email instructions.)

• I provide a group space for support and accountability as well as simple tracking tools to keep you going.

So if you’ve ever tried to build a breathwork practice but really struggled with making it a priority or being consistent, this is for you.

→ You get structure.
→ You get accountability.
→ You get my support as a certified Breathwork Coach and Body-Oriented Coach.
→ You get to learn from other people who are struggling with similar challenges.

• Dates: 10 weeks, starting March 10

• Investment: 375$ (Beta pricing - will increase for future iterations)

If you’re interested, fill out the below form and I’ll reach out to you to set up a chat, just to get to know each other and see if this program is right for you.

🙌 How else I can support you

An intensive one-on-one 8-week Breath Science and Body-Oriented Coaching Program. This program is designed to help fast-moving professionals build resilience and manage stress through science-based breathing and body awareness techniques. Will Z., Managing Director at a NYC Investment Bank, called the program “one of the best decisions he’s made.” Just sayin! 😉

FREE Body-Oriented Coaching Session. You read that right, free! As part of my Body-Oriented Coaching Certification at The Somatic School, I need to complete a number of coaching hours. So I’m offering 1-hour coaching sessions to anyone interested in experiencing this type of coaching. One hour focused on you, and a challenge or question you’d like to make progress on. No sales pitch, no strings attached.

👋 Other stuff I’m up to…

😲 One Resource That Made Me Gasp